Stories

Leigh T's Story 

Hi! I'm Leigh, the founder of SIA. SIA has a story behind it. It is the story of those I have met during my time after having my first breakdown. But I wouldn't know those stories if my own hadn't of happened.

It really starts at age five. This is how old I was when I was bound and raped by my schizophrenic paternal uncle (I have no problem with schizophrenic people, just child rapists). Its an ugly story that I made the mistake of keeping a secret for more than 12 years. When I was older, around the time I started "developing" he them molested me, which he openly admits to today. But I didn't tell anyone then, either. The reason for that is that at that time, I was in 5th grade. We had just moved into a new school district because I have ADHD and a nonverbal learning disability that my old district refuesed to give me help with. My father started to go out and get totally wasted and stay out really late. In addition to that, he also had an ongoing abusive realtionship with marijuana. Soon, he decided to buy a hunting gun which my mom found in his car (in plain sight) Their relationship had always been plauged with strife and at that point the drugs and alcohol use lost my father the right to sleep in the same bed as my mom, and he had been sleeping in our finished basement on a sofa for a few months. She took the gun to the police and declared it a problem because it was obvious that my father was not stable enough to have a gun at home with his partner and two childeren. After this, my father spent some time in the county psych hospital and was diagnosed bipolar, that he had been self-medicating with the drugs and alcohol. After his discharge, he started to live with his mother and had visits with me and my brother occasionally, with a lawer present. Today, he is back in our house and in AA and handling his dual diagnosis well. However, he abandoned me in favor of the marijuana and beer. I'm his only daughter and he missed me growing up. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for that. While he was out of the house, I attached myself onto another male figure, my social studies teacher. I told lies to get closer to him. But when I graduated from middle school, I was again without a father figure. All through this-since the age of 7 I was involved in theatre-that I found the one person who means the most to me. The teacher was planning to attend a play that his other student has in, and I, wanting to "run into" him there went to see the play. That night, I decided I wanted to become a part of that theatre group. When I started with that the next fall (it had been spring) I transfered from having the father figure of the social studies teacher to the director at the theatre group. To this day, he is still-and always will be-my mentor and best friend. I wanted his attention, too. Which is ultimatly where the SI began. I wanted him to notice me. So, I cut. That was the first one. Then I carved his first inital into my arm. Then a number that was significant to both of us. I still bear these marks today. I got addicted to the endorphis fast. The first cut was on Feb 10, 2011 and by Feb 14, I was hospitalized. I spent 18 days there. As much as I could, I would call my mentor. It was no longer about getting his attention, for I had that. It was, and still is, about keeping it. And that is why I cut. Since then, I have had one partial hospitalization and two one week hospitalizations to treat suicidality. That has mostly been resolved. I've been through two 16 week sessions of Dialectical Behavior Therapy and am in my third session. The last meeting of out DBT group will be on my 18th birthday. A bit symbolic.

And that's my story.