Excuse My Absence...

Hello all, Leigh here.
I know I've been away from the blog for a few weeks, but I will be returning soon. I'll be away from technology for until the 5th, but would like to explain my absence...

One of my best friends killed herself.

Suicide is something that most people reading this have probably had issues with-I know I have. But now, after her suicide, I know that I will never do it. I know now how much hurt it causes to people who love and care very much about the person who takes their life.
If you are in danger of suicide, there is help. 1-800-273-8255

WSI: Bordem?

Why do we SI?
One response may be out of sheer bordem. As Angelina Jolie said, "you're crazy, you're in bed, you've got knives, shit happens." (See DYK: SI Facts for a list of SI celebs) I know this to be partly true. I've been in my room with one of my prefered instruments and bored, and that shit happened. This can be a perfect chance to practice you ACCEPTS skills (see DBTTotW: ACCEPTS and Self-Soothe) Why do our minds go to SI in these moments? Well, why are we alone in our rooms anyway (some parents don't allow this when their child is going through a period of SI)? For me, it is probably because I don't really want to be in anyother part of the house because I don't want to deal with the rest of my family-which is either because I'm too depressed to deal with them or because I'm depressed and don't want to socialize. So, with lack of any other shit to do, we engage in SI. The easiest way to avoid this is fairly obvious: take the utensils out of your room. Of course, we all know that that parting is such sweet sorrow. Some question the legitimacy of bordem as a trigger-"it's never just because you're bored," says my family services case worker. Then again, she's an outsider.

Leigh's Story

Hi! I'm Leigh, the founder of SIA. SIA has a story behind it. It is the story of those I have met during my time after having my first breakdown. But I wouldn't know those stories if my own hadn't of happened.

It really starts at age five. This is how old I was when I was bound and raped by my schizophrenic paternal uncle (I have no problem with schizophrenic people, just child rapists). Its an ugly story that I made the mistake of keeping a secret for more than 12 years. When I was older, around the time I started "developing" he them molested me, which he openly admits to today. But I didn't tell anyone then, either. The reason for that is that at that time, I was in 5th grade. We had just moved into a new school district because I have ADHD and a nonverbal learning disability that my old district refuesed to give me help with. My father started to go out and get totally wasted and stay out really late. In addition to that, he also had an ongoing abusive realtionship with marijuana. Soon, he decided to buy a hunting gun which my mom found in his car (in plain sight) Their relationship had always been plauged with strife and at that point the drugs and alcohol use lost my father the right to sleep in the same bed as my mom, and he had been sleeping in our finished basement on a sofa for a few months. She took the gun to the police and declared it a problem because it was obvious that my father was not stable enough to have a gun at home with his partner and two childeren. After this, my father spent some time in the county psych hospital and was diagnosed bipolar, that he had been self-medicating with the drugs and alcohol. After his discharge, he started to live with his mother and had visits with me and my brother occasionally, with a lawer present. Today, he is back in our house and in AA and handling his dual diagnosis well. However, he abandoned me in favor of the marijuana and beer. I'm his only daughter and he missed me growing up. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for that. While he was out of the house, I attached myself onto another male figure, my social studies teacher. I told lies to get closer to him. But when I graduated from middle school, I was again without a father figure. All through this-since the age of 7 I was involved in theatre-that I found the one person who means the most to me. The teacher was planning to attend a play that his other student has in, and I, wanting to "run into" him there went to see the play. That night, I decided I wanted to become a part of that theatre group. When I started with that the next fall (it had been spring) I transfered from having the father figure of the social studies teacher to the director at the theatre group. To this day, he is still-and always will be-my mentor and best friend. I wanted his attention, too. Which is ultimatly where the SI began. I wanted him to notice me. So, I cut. That was the first one. Then I carved his first inital into my arm. Then a number that was significant to both of us. I still bear these marks today. I got addicted to the endorphis fast. The first cut was on Feb 10, 2011 and by Feb 14, I was hospitalized. I spent 18 days there. As much as I could, I would call my mentor. It was no longer about getting his attention, for I had that. It was, and still is, about keeping it. And that is why I cut. Since then, I have had one partial hospitalization and two one week hospitalizations to treat suicidality. That has mostly been resolved. I've been through two 16 week sessions of Dialectical Behavior Therapy and am in my third session. The last meeting of out DBT group will be on my 18th birthday. A bit symbolic.

And that's my story.

Welcome, Michelle!

Today we welcome our newest official contributor, Michelle W! Michelle is a wonderful person who has overcome a lot to be at the better place she is at today. She will no nothing to get rid of her depression. But her story is not mine to tell. We haven't decided what kind of column she'll be adding to the blog.

STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW

My friend Elle launched a "sister site" to SIA, called Stronger Than You Know (STYK) STYK is for teen girls to find a safe haven and being yourself, and that everyone is stronger than they know. Elle is great and I am proud to welcome her! She will also be writing a column about personality dissorders soon for SIA. Follow STYK! Link is in the tabs at the top of the page.

Recomendations

Books and Other Literature

• Where She Went by Gayle Forman
• After surviving a car accident that took her entire family, the protagonist is challenged with making something of her life. Sequel to If I Stay
  
• When Nothing Matters Any More: A Survival Guide for Depressed Teens by Bev C. Cobain, PRN (Kurt Cobain's Cousin!)^
• A workbook-like self help book. Contains real stories from teens. Cobain really understands how people like function, at least as much as an outsider can.
• Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks and Other Outlaws by Kate Bornstein^
• HILARIOUS! Written by a transgender. Amazing colection of 101 coping mecahinisims
  
• Sweeney Todd by Thomas Peckett Prest*
• The book that inspired the Sondheim musical and the Tim Burton (Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman) movie. A must read)
  
• Lucky by Alice Sebold*
• A memoir of her life after being raped. If you are a survivor, take heed that this may be a bit much. Overall insightful and reflective
  
• Before I Die by Jenny Downham*
• Protagonist has terminal leukemia, her story of her "bucket list"
  
• Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver^
• Protagonist is the steryotypical popular teen girl. She gets killed in a drunk driving accident after a Valentine's Day party and must relive the day seven times, untill she sees what truly caused the accident-and how alcohol had nothing to do with it.
  
• The Inferno by Dante Aligheri
• A classic! A tour of hell. Very symbolic.
  
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
• Another Classic (Jack Nicholson film) On an adult male 1960s psych ward, a new admit inspires a paitent uprising.
  
• Crime and Punishment by Fydor Dosdoyevsky
• A bit exestential and challenging. How a man attones for his crimes.
  
• If I Stay by Gale Forman*
• Protagonist is a cello virtuoso. After loosing her entire family in a car crash, she slips into a coma and has an out of body experience.
  
• It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini
• Boy gets put on an adult unit due to construction in the adolescent unit. Meets girl. Inspired the 2011 film.
  
• Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters
• Girl discovers she has romantic feelings for another girl and must keep the relationship a secret for fear of the reaction of the world around her.
  
• Living Dead Girl by Elizabeth Scott*^
• Alice is kidnapped by a man and made her sex slave. Very disturbing, but extremely thought provoking. Read it.
  
• The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold*
• Girl is murdered and watches her family's going abouts from heaven
  
• "Schizophrenia Poetry" by M. Stefan Strozier
• A collection of written by/about schitzophrenics.
  
• Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher*^
• Hannah comitts suicide, but leave 7 two-sided tapes as a sort of chain message to those who drove her over the edge. Very touching and makes you think of how you effect others around you without even knowing it. Read it.
  
• "Hamlet" by William Shakespeare*^
• Hamlet goes through an exestential crisis after the death of his father.
  
• "Macbeth" by William Shakespeare
• Macbeth kills the people in sucession to the king (and the king) until he becomes king. Prophesies and their influence/valitidy in society.
  
• Willow by Julia Hoban*
• Young girl coping with SI and dead parents, who everyone thinks she killed.
  
• Cut by Patricia McCormick*^
• Girl in residental after a horrific cutting accident--but why did she do it in the first place? Not a very accurate portrayl of adolescent units (ie. very easy to get a hold of sharps), but still a good book.
  

Movies

• "Black Swan"*^
• Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Vincent Cassel: Nina, a young, talented ballerina descends into insanity while ascending to perfection 
• "Wristcutters: A Love Story"^
• Man commits suicide and ends up in the corner of the afterlife for suicides, and trys to find his exgirlfriend, who offed herself after he offed himself over their breakup. The suicide is not essential to the plot, so not very triggering. Very, very funny.
• "Gothika"*
• Halle Berry, Penelope Cruz, Robert Downey, Jr.: Psycholigist ends up locked in the institution she works for.
• "Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"*^
• Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman: Barber seeks revenge on the judge who ruined his life. Musical, adapted from Sondheim.
  
• "The Phantom of the Opera"^
• Gerard Butler, Emmy Rossum, Patrick Wilson: Emerging soprano Christine is courted by a masked man with dark intentions and an even darker past. Love triangle. Musical, adapted from Andrew Lloyd Webber
• "Juno"
• Ellen Paige, Michael Cera: Pregnant teen goes through her pregnancy. Laugh out lout funny.
• "Finding Nemo"^
• Ellen Degeneres: Feel-good family film about how far love can take you.

*May be Triggering. Caution!

^Highly Recomended

DBTTotW: Distress Tollerance: ACCEPTS and Self-Soothe

DISTRESS TOLERANCE

Here are the band-aid skills of DBT. These are the ones that help you white-knuckle through the pain you're in at the moment. Why should you try to get through it? Well, pain is a part of life and it cannot be avoided, if you don't deal with the pain you may act impulsively, and most importantly, when you act impulsively you can end up hurting yourself and loved ones.

So here's your basic survival skills:

Distract with "Wise Mind Accepts"

Activities

• Distract yourself! Talk to someone, entertain yourself with media or engage in hobbies. Try writing in a journal. This blog is my Activity to avoid my T1s

Contributing

•  Help others with the Activities you do (like we try to here). Have a free hugs day. Send some snail mail. Make the world a better place to be!

Comparisons

• Look at those less fortunate! There's always someone (unfortunately) who has it worse. Or, if that makes you feel guilty about feeling upset in the first place, imagine or remember a time when things didn't suck ass as much as they do now.

Emotions

• Change how you feel! Instead of ruminating on things, do something that will evoke the opposite emotion of the one you're feeling now.

Pushing Away

• If something's triggering you, leave the situation. Note that sometimes these are things that need to get done (like homework) and that you'll return to it after a set period of time, or when you're less vulnerable to the trigger. But don't put off things you need to do. It'll only make itself worse. Put the pain in a fire and burn it, just don't let the smoke get in your eyes.

Thoughts

• Change the way you're thinking. Count as high as you can in as many different languages as you can. It's okay if all you remember is "ich, ni, san". Do some math (as crazy as that seems) In short, do something that doesn't take emotion to do. Take a vacation to Reasonable Mind, and throw your towel on the sand to soak up the sun.

Sensations

• Make yourself feel. Maybe snap a rubberband, wash your hands in very hot or firgid water, attack a stressball, or even touch yourself (yes, that is exactly what I mean...have fun) Be careful not to over do it lest you end up with another T1

Self-Soothe

Vision

• Look at something that makes you happy like pictures of baby pandas. Be a stalker and people watch random people do stupid shit.

Hearing

• Crank up the tuneage! Blast some awesome music, or even play your own if you're a gifted virtuoso (or even if you're not!) Listen to the crickets or birds. Download an app or go to a site that plays ambient noise.

Smell

• Go smell the roses! Find your favorite smell and immerse yourself in it.
  

Taste

• OMNOMNOM! Much on something tasty. Don't over do it! (Not recommended for those with eating disorders!)

Touch

• Yes, we're back at touch. You know what that means. For a more PG version, put on some comfy clothes or wrap yourself in a blanket. Personally, I like the feel of satin.

Movement

• Stretch yourself out! Dance to what you're feeling inside. It doesn't have to look good. I'm not the slightest bit graceful, yet I love to move my body with emotions.

All of these have their downsides-you have to do them the right way. For example, if you want to distract yourself from T1 by watching a movie, Black Swan probably isn't the best choice, or if you're writing in a journal, don't just get yourself more worked up about the things that are bothering you.